Well anyway, DO NOT go outside (unless you’re wearing a mask made from a T-shirt of your favorite sports team) and whatever you do, DO NOT hold someone’s hand. Can you not hear? Yikes, this means you may have the coronavirus! Wait, no, that’s taste and smell. Go outside and grab your neighbors hand for a mock-walk to school. But really, Simon wishes you would-because that particular human doesn’t understand the fundamentals of how viruses are spread (and as a side note, not to be mean, but they’re probably flunking science). If any of your classmates are wearing masks, remind them that they are idiots because you cannot pass asymptomatic diseases, symptomatic diseases, or pencils through a computer screen. Simon says log in to the government-subsidized video conferencing system and wave at all your friends like everything is normal, while secretly wishing you could see them in person. Simon says now you can touch your computer screen, because who knows if your disgusting sister was using it earlier for one of her virtual classes, online shopping, or social media posting. Simon didn’t say to do any of that, but it’s good information nonetheless. Sing “happy birthday” while you wash your hands, as the song’s duration will ensure you’ve given them a good scrub and removed any lingering germs from picking your nose, scratching your butt, or handling a small farm animal that may or may not be carrying a virus of unknown origin. Follow these simple instructions and get ahead in the game of life. A modern twist on an age-old children’s game.
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